I AM A MOVIE CRITIC

So it was Christmas again and I decided to pay my girlfriend’s family a visit. In fact, I had longed for this day and finally opportunity stuck its friendly nose in my business. I put on my jeans trousers and a nice polo shirt I got as a gift for Christmas. I started for the residence of my girlfriend. We have been dating for a couple of years and I guess you are wondering why I never had the guts to visit her home? It was simple. I was an unemployed graduate. Not anymore! I had found myself acquainted with an admirable entrepreneurial job I founded. I am a movie critic. I was finally about to meet the family that begot this beautiful lady I had for a lover. A bold knock on the gate re-announced my pre-announced presence. My sweetheart let me in with an I-have-been-waiting-for-this-day smile.

I was walked into their hall where I met with her siblings and was offered a seat. On which I sat with my legs crossed. I recalled counselling her younger siblings about the kind of job they could pursue after school when her Mum made an entrance into the hall. Courteously, I stood up to greet her Mum and her reactions made me believe her Mum liked me. After all, I wasn’t all that bad-looking. Her Mum and I went through a long list of cliché questions of which I answered with ease. Then the question I had been waiting to hear found its way into my longing ears. “Young man, please what kind of work do you do for a living?” Mum asked. I heard the question but noticed her other siblings’ attention drawn to a movie aired on the television. I had to get their attention at all cost so I could impress them with what I did for a living.

So I asked her Mum to repeat her question only a little louder than she had done before, which she did. Now the sound of her voice drew everyone’s attention towards me. “Please Ma, I have founded my own business” I replied rather confidently but politely, “I am a movie critic”. Her Mum smiled at me although I could not decipher why she did. She went on further to ask of the exact job description. I replied her using an analogy. “For example” I began, “After watching a movie like Kumkum Bhagya" (a Hindi-language Indian soap opera aired on a local TV channel), "my friends" (who are staunch members of UGAG - Unemployed Graduates Association of Ghana) "and I argue it out to reveal scenes that could be improved on and commend scenes that were perfectly executed” I answered.

Immediately, her Mum instructed her younger sibling in their local dialect, the Ewe language. A language we both shared, only I speak the Anlo and they speak the Peki; both sects of the Ewe language. Her Mum’s instruction was “tsi n3 Daddy b3 n3 ko asti ve nam” (Meaning; tell Daddy to bring me a cane). I thought I heard her Mum say “tsi n3 Daddy b3 n3 ko esti ve nam” (Meaning; tell Daddy to bring me some water). A misplaced homophone on my part. Her younger sibling got up to fetch what I presumed was her Daddy with my water. I was intrigued. Did her Mummy just instruct that her Dad bring me water? I thought-out loud, what a privileged my job description had brought me. She then asked if I get paid for my job. I admitted I was not on any form of salary yet but I may get an opportunity to discuss my findings on a television channel someday.

I noticed her elder brother signalling me with his eyes but I could not read meaning into what his eyes were trying to communicate to me.  I ignored him, perhaps he was admiring my polo shirt. Strangely, I noticed almost every eye in the room signalling me to do what I later discovered meant “Run for your life!! “. Before I could say a word, I heard what felt like fire at my back and my adrenaline grew numb. I could not run. I was in a state of shock. Although I had not fully recovered from the shock I could hear an angry voice behind saying something like “Is this the kind of job you deem fit to ask of my daughter’s hand in marriage?!!”  I was close to finding my consciousness when I felt the fire again behind my back only this time round it woke me up to fully appreciate reality. I was being stroked with a cane by my girlfriend's father.

My now alert adrenaline carried me two legs at a time while the cane lashes ongoing behind my back propelled me faster than my legs could carry me. I was thinking of the fastest way to escape this torment although I must admit my concentration rebooted every time the cane landed mercilessly at my back. After about hundred meters, the message her father was trying to communicate had become as clear as day. Minutes after the beating had stopped and her Dad retreating victoriously, I could still feel the cane and its impact behind my back.

I didn’t bother questioning why my job wouldn’t find me a wife but I pledged to find a new one. A billboard has it written boldly; “SOMETIMES IN LIFE MOTIVATION FINDS YOU”. I could attest to the fact that motivation had not only found me but had left behind my back a constant reminder.

Before I decide on a new job, permit me to critique the last movie I had just witnessed and probably played a lead role. Well, you will agree with me that the father character had gone beyond his script to beat the hell of a scene out of me.

So I chose a new path, which would later be my Life’s Task. I had become a writer. I hope it would reduce the number of strokes next Christmas or probably get me a handshake, of which the latter is perhaps the most likely.

Happy New Year!

Best Regards,

Atsu Dogbey

& Members of the Dogbey League